You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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