he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
