My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
