This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
