A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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