thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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