hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
