Cold hands, warm shart.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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