When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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