your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Randomize
