How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
