i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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