Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
