ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
