youre lurking in front of me
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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