Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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