I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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