Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
