Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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