What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
