i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
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