I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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