So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
