Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
