Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
We are two peas in an std pod
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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