The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
