Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
