How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
