Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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