Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
