Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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