i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
