I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
