i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
