The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
