I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
