Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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