I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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