I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
