I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
