Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
