two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
