Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
