Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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