i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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