If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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