either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
