She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
