I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
