My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
